Just look at this cute little face. This is Steven as he was at two years old, bless him.

I still see him like this even though he's grown up now.

If anyone ever hurt him, I'd kill them , just like any other Mum with their children would do.

But how do you protect them from things like smoking and taking drugs, prostitution and such things ?

You can't. All you can do is pray to God they never start these things in the first place.

I have never smoked in my life, neither has Adam, Steven's Brother. Yet Steven started at fifteen years old, behind my back at first.

My neighbour asked me round for a cuppa one day and told me to sit down as she had something to tell me.

She told me that Steven had come out to her. I was so relieved that was all it was. I imagined it to be something really drastic.

Then she said very calmly, that he was smoking too. I went ballistic. I ate three sugar doughnuts one after the other, I hyperventilated with anxiety and couldn't stop drinking tea for hours.

Being gay was one thing I could cope with but SMOKING !!!

What Steven can't understand is , that EVERYTIME he takes a drag on that cancer stick, I feel it inside me too.

I imagine him as that cute little precious bundle of perfection , that he still is in my eyes and I go to pieces.

Why do perfectly healthy people want to fill their lungs with toxins and poisons ?

Is it MY fault. Have I been such a blind Mother that I didn't see this starting in the first place ?

After last night's scare ( again ) he says he's stopped smoking for good this time. ( fingers crossed again )

I really hope so because It's killing me watching him kill himself. I cry myself to sleep at night just thinking about the damage he's doing to himself.

I know he loves me very much and I would trust him with my life so I'm hoping his love for me will make him realise the hurt he's causing not only himself but other people closest to him.