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Tuesday, 15 August 2006

Just look at this cute little face. This is Steven as he was at two years old, bless him.

I still see him like this even though he's grown up now.

If anyone ever hurt him, I'd kill them , just like any other Mum with their children would do.

But how do you protect them from things like smoking and taking drugs, prostitution and such things ?

You can't. All you can do is pray to God they never start these things in the first place.

I have never smoked in my life, neither has Adam, Steven's Brother. Yet Steven started at fifteen years old, behind my back at first.

My neighbour asked me round for a cuppa one day and told me to sit down as she had something to tell me.

She told me that Steven had come out to her. I was so relieved that was all it was. I imagined it to be something really drastic.

Then she said very calmly, that he was smoking too. I went ballistic. I ate three sugar doughnuts one after the other, I hyperventilated with anxiety and couldn't stop drinking tea for hours.

Being gay was one thing I could cope with but SMOKING !!!

What Steven can't understand is , that EVERYTIME he takes a drag on that cancer stick, I feel it inside me too.

I imagine him as that cute little precious bundle of perfection , that he still is in my eyes and I go to pieces.

Why do perfectly healthy people want to fill their lungs with toxins and poisons ?

Is it MY fault. Have I been such a blind Mother that I didn't see this starting in the first place ?

After last night's scare ( again ) he says he's stopped smoking for good this time. ( fingers crossed again )

I really hope so because It's killing me watching him kill himself. I cry myself to sleep at night just thinking about the damage he's doing to himself.

I know he loves me very much and I would trust him with my life so I'm hoping his love for me will make him realise the hurt he's causing not only himself but other people closest to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 comments:

ukgal36 said...

Hi Patricia.. Gosh he was a little cutie pie huh?? Still is.. little sod smoking though..it does your head in doesn't it? My hubby is in remission for cancer for gods sake and still smokes!!! It makes me so damn mad! I am sorry for your worry though.. I do understand a mothers worry...I have some worries myself.. :-(  All we can do is be there for them.. You have a done a fine job raising an incredible kid.. he is such a credit to you love.. hang in there and give Stevie a big old kiss from me okay??
Hope you are having a goo day... mine is just starting on this side of the Atlantic...
Lyn

ally123130585918 said...

Pat he was a little Cutie and yes like any Mum you would protect him with your life if anyone should hurt him  ~ I am sure he will stick to his "No Smoking"  he sounded very definite about that ~ Ally

deshelestraci said...

Try not to feel guilty.  We can't control them, only love them.  I am hoping that he will stay quit.  For everyone's sake.
Traci

paul177600 said...

Hi Patricia
it's the best/worst job in the world being a mum, my oldest is just a bit younger that Ste and he has had to move to Scotland because of the mess he was in, you can't do anything except be there and give support, all of my kids smoke even tho hubby and I don't, and I know exactly how you feel, even now it makes me feel ill when I see them spark up, especially my youngest, bloody cigerettes...
would love you to pay me a visit Kerry
http://journals.aol.co.uk/paul177600/lifeasithappens2

plieck30 said...

I wish your son well in kicking this dirty stinky dangerous habit. I think he will but if he doesn't it isn't your fault. Paula

am4039 said...

my oldest daughter is almost a health nut. Doesn't eat any meat or dairy. Exercises. But she smokes. It makes me sick. My husband and I don't smoke. There is no cig. around here at all. So she started at 14 and is 20 now. She says she will quit when she get's married because she will not smoke when she wants to have a baby. I can't stand it either.

lisbnjvi said...

I just started reading your son's journal due to the 3rd anniversary of J-land and asked for your link.  I am the Mother of 3 children ages 14, 10 and 5 and what you said in this entry is how a mother feels.  You feel everything they feel as if it's yourself.  They are a part of you, they came from your womb, it's all normal to feel the way you do.  I haven't entered into any of the drama yet with my kids since they are still young, but I will try to keep an open mind with them and hope that they make the best decisions in their lifes.  We can just love them with our entire being and hope that they learn from their mistakes. Hope you don't mind, but I am going to put you on my alerts and keep reading.
Hugs and love,
Lisa
(I have a private journal because of some idiots that left nasty messages about my children so if you want to read it, let me know.  If not, that's okay too!)

slcsaw said...

i have that pic of ste how cute his he i love him to bits and the last time we meet up i told him i'd like him to stop smoking because i don't want to loose a great friend he keeps saying he is trying and i'm proud that he is don't ever feel guilty like the othes say you can't watch over them 24 hours a day ste a great lad and he loves you to bits your a great mum

Luv Stacey